Today did not start off well. My focus upon waking was placed squarely on my husband being unemployed. It was like, and has been like, a thick slog that feels so mighty and heavy on my limbs as I attempt to dig and claw my way through it. I can't see. Sometimes it seems I find a speck of light that catches my eye and I hope with earnestness that the sun is shining somewhere above me trying so magnificently to show me the way out.
And yet somehow I know it is not the sun. It is my inner being reflecting its own magnificence outward. She is calling out from within me to say, yet again: "Put down your armour and accept what is. You don't need to fight it anymore. Lay down your shield. All is well. You are loved. You are loved."
But I'm stubborn and I go back and forth - arguing against my inner Source, my inner Goddess, my true self. I find reasons to continue the battle. "It would be better if only he had a job. If only he would do this. If only we had that. If only. If only. If only..."
These if only's are pipe dreams from which I dangle precariously in this weird struggle to find balance between what is right for my husband and what is right for me. Right now my desires haven't manifested and I am having a morning of firmly planting both feet on the shore; refusing to get into the boat in front of me. I am steadfast in my obstinance that if I fight it, this well-being of mine, will somehow come to me faster.
But the boat is calling me. It wants me to get in and paddle along. It cannot promise me when the waves will stop rocking or when the current will lighten up but it asks me nevertheless to get in for the ride.
So in this moment, I am thinking about progressing. Of maybe allowing myself to have only one foot on the shore, one foot in the boat. Then my ego tells me, "Ah... but you've been in this boat before remember? You've held on to the sides with white knuckles desperate to steer yourself in a better direction. Remember how terrible it felt to try and fail?"
Yes, I remember.
I'm spooked. I couldn't seem to make it through this rocky part of the river I've been on (for what feels like so long now) so I grabbed onto a weed and pulled myself to shore, discontent to stand on the sidelines, glowering at the malevolence of the water spinning past me. For it seems I will have to face this river over and over if I want to get where I want to go. My ego tells me that it will always be this hard. That there is no point in hoping for a smooth ride to the outcome of my dreams. And so I sit on the riverbank watching. Waiting. Every now and then, I throw rocks at the water to get back at it. But it keeps going, oblivious to my attempts at retribution.
There has to be a better way. Better than depending on someone else's actions for my happiness. Yes, I recognize all my old shit coming up about feeling the need to be taken care of. Hell, at this point, I would be happy to do the taking care of myself, as long as I am able to do it without working two jobs to support my family while auditioning and, oh yeah, finding time to mother my child.
And therein lies the crux; The rub; The fucking down and out; The issue that keeps coming up for me again and again and again: I don't believe I can have it. And so I am too scared to try.
I am too scared to believe because I cannot seem to believe long enough for the thing I want to manifest. (IE. A successful career, wealth, a smooth ride down the river...) (And maybe a nice B cup.)
I am too scared to get in that damn boat. I am scared that if I do, I will come up short. Can't I wait until I feel a calmer stream before I put myself back in? Can't I make it just a little bit easier on myself before I try again?
My ego is hopping up and down taunting me, "No! No! Get back in while it's rough!!! Then you'll remember never to do it again."
I turn to my ego and give it a good stare. And it stops hopping up and down and just looks at me daringly. I stand quietly. Then the mischievous glint disappears from its eye. Then its eye disappears. I rub it right off its face, along with its head, body, feet and toes. The shoes my ego wore have disintegrated from my mind's eye and I have erased my ego altogether. Well, maybe not altogether but I have erased my identification with it in this moment. And all I had to do in order to accomplish this was to stand in stillness. To rest in the rejuvenation that its serenity provides me.
Now it's quiet where I am and I'm considering another ride down the river. My boat is bobbing a little, riding the waves that lap up against it from the current of my previous thoughts. But this little boat seems to be made of sturdy stuff. So I'm thinking of giving it another shot. If all that stands between me and the manifestation of my dreams is that I get in this boat and trust in the ride then I will get in and go with the flow of things.
OK, I'm in now. I look at the riverbank and kick off from the mossy landing where I have been huddled away lately. The boat, with purpose, turns its nose toward the depths of the stream, steadfast in its ability to get me to the mouth of the river and into the larger body of water where I long to be. That's where my dreams are. That's where my wealth is. That's where I direct my films. My lead role in a great series is there also. And yet, perplexingly, if I will only let myself understand this: All of these experiences - every last scrap of them - are within me also. This whole time they have been waiting inside me for their opportunity to emerge, gracefully.
"Beyond the beauty of external forms, there is more here: something that cannot be named, something ineffable, some deep, inner, holy essence. Whenever and wherever there is beauty, this inner essence shines through somehow. It only reveals itself to you when you are present."
- Eckhart Tolle
I am present. Let this new ERA be revealed...